Turning Thirty

I’m definitely freaked out about turning 30.  Why else would I be writing?  Maybe you’re freaked out about turning 91 or 23.  There seems to be something about a round number though.  There’s nothing about a round number.  They say we often build and succumb to our own narratives about ourselves.  Many people have lengthy conversations with their own pets.  Ok, true, everybody does.
I have this idea that if I travel to the Redwood trees in California they will tell me, “You’re not old, I was barely a sprout at your age!”  Perspective.  But in Redwood years, I’m still approaching middle age, and besides, what’s the point in trying to zoom out anyway?  Isn’t that the same as escaping from myself?  And just how is speaking for some trees escaping from myself, exactly?
OK, so I know that going to see the Redwoods, or doing something new and different and uncomfortable, would be good for me.  I know that I would find joy in the journey, not the destination.  And if a round number like 30 is acting as a wake-up call to travel or write more, I don’t think that’s a bad thing–so long as the number 30 is more like a coach and less like a judgmental prick.  I’m speaking of course about myself.
Wait, hang on, this is important:  when I say “of course,” I don’t mean “because of I’ve always known this.”  Because no, I’ve never quite imagined myself as the number 30, with two cartoon legs, my judgmental prick of face shouting at me from the zero.  No, the “of course” here alludes to having stumbled upon a cliche:  “You’re only as old as you feel.”  We all know this phrase.  It’s a boring shade of wallpaper.  A ready-made destination, like “Just be yourself!”  Right, whoever that is.
No, let’s leave the throw pillow and come back to the journey.   I’ve been journeying to 30 as he were Wizard of Oz, and that he would have some kind of judgement for me.  But I get there and it’s just me running in circles behind a curtain–tired, self-pitying, kind of ragged around the eyes.  And I do feel pressure to push myself more.  I don’t want that to go away.  I don’t want 30 to feel like nothing.  But I need to be a better coach and treat myself better.  A trip to somewhere new would be a start.  Beyond that, I’m still figuring it out.

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Remembering “Gene”

Eight years ago, my mom and sisters drove up to Connecticut to see a good family friend, Mary, who used to give painting lessons to my dad when he was young. We hadn’t been to her house since I was a toddler, back when Pepsi the dog (and my personal playmate) was still alive.  On her kitchen counter, I saw a picture of Gene Wilder and, presumably, his wife.

“Oh, I met Karen and Gene at a painting class six years ago,” said Mary. “The first thing I did was apologize for not having seen any of his movies. He told me that I only had to see his best movie, Young Frankenstein, though I still haven’t. Let him be Willy Wonka to everybody else. He writes beautifully, though his wife may be the better painter.”

In his memoir “Kiss Me Like a Stranger,” Gene Wilder writes that he discovered his gift for humor at 9 years old when he made his chronically sick mother pee her pants with a joke. Picking carrots out of a garden, he fell in love with acting when he forgot that he was in a play and that the carrots and garden weren’t real.

Mary told us that Pepsi was now buried under a patch of begonias, the same flowers he’d always liked to chew on.  Once, she told my dad that she used Pepsi to clean her floors and, at 5 years old, I believed her.  I believed she would dunk that big white mop of a dog into a warm bucket of water and push him by his legs like a wheelbarrow. When I tried to do it myself, I could barely lift one of his paws into the water bowl.

A month or so later, back at college, I got a letter from Mary.  As it happened, her and Gene had been having tea when she mentioned that her friend’s son wanted to be a writer.  To this day, even though I don’t write for a living, I still call what fell out of that letter my ‘golden ticket’ because of how fast I ran to show his autograph to my friends.

“Gene” has since been alive in my mind, maybe painting with Karen or writing by himself.  Or watching the birds dart between the many feeders on our friend Mary’s deck.  When she brings up my name for the autograph, does he then try to picture me?  Is he smiling in that gentle, all-knowing way he’s so famous for?  Is that even his real smile, or does he have another one just for good friends?  All I have is what he wrote:

Dear Joey
KEEP WRITING
Gene Wilder

Rest in peace, Mr. Wilder, and thank you for all your gifts.

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Sam’s Theory

Within, the monks incensed
Enarmed in sleeves of red
Hurl fists of golden dice
To reach the promised land

By firelight divined
Their sums of great intention
So furious each hand
White flush with combination

Ralph rolls for the poor
(8, 9, 2, 5, 4): Good Will Toward All Strange Men
There are strange women also, intuits Jude
Who was always a theoretician at heart

Strange women is helpful, Jude
Does anyone else miss Sam?
I’ve Courage in hand, Carmichael says
Flipping through the pages

Murray smiles kindly
The die clenched in his hand
Her unkempt hair, he whispers
Blossomed out like a bad argument

The Book of Sam was always hard to understand
Her stories all had ugly names
Zero finesse, no turns of phrase
Hell Raiser!
Coat Stealer!
Robin Hood!  Roll again
(2, 9, 7, 3, 8): Bridge Over Troubled Cultures

So many freezing outside, out on the front lines, reads Carmichael
Courage:  A Theory of
Shut your trap!
Dodge the die!

(11, 7, 2, 7, 4):  Jeezus Christ, Murray:  My Bloody Ear
If we still had our coats, shivers the eldest
We might brace ourselves
For publication

Our solutions will be known
Our order most revered
Carmichael, there’s good kindle
Courage, bring it here

By firelight they burned
Sam’s theory to keep them warm
Whose author called to battle
Those too fair for war

Yet still the monks, divided
Cast eyes on the door
Through which one sister carried six coats
And hurled them to the poor

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Battling the Silence: What Happens When We Don’t Talk about Racial and Cultural Tensions in Education

Christopher Emdin, professor at the Columbia Teacher's College

Christopher Emdin, professor at the Columbia Teacher’s College

Earlier this year I was at lecture by Chris Emdin, who started out as a public high school teacher in NYC and is now a professor at the Columbia Teacher’s College.  He told us the true story about a group of policy makers in NYC schools who wanted to help close the achievement gap by providing struggling schools with an iPads for every student.  The idea was that more screen time at school–and at home once signed out–would translate to higher test scores.

The schools in question were comprised of mostly Black students.  Not that anyone one was going to talk about that directly.  Maybe they used words like “inner-city,” “at-risk,” “disadvantaged,” and “urban” to imply race without stating it outright. This was a poverty issue, said the administrators, nothing more.  And providing a wealth of technology was the answer.

But when iPads didn’t make a dent in school achievement, administrators were puzzled. Ultimately they reasoned that these students weren’t putting in the effort to make good use of the technology, that they weren’t holding up their end.  You can only do so much for “these kids” after all, they said.

Dr. Emdin, however, invited us to think about what exactly these students–yes, these Black students–were seeing on their iPads.  The answer:  the same, unchanged message that was in their textbooks.  One promoting white histories, white values, white culture.  Who even today, asked Chris, can name one other black scientist besides George Washington Carver? Or how about one of the many prominent black scientists alive today? Not to be found, not in print, nor on iPads.  Our country may no longer condone lawfully-mandated segregation, but off the books we are more segregated of a nation now–in terms of neighborhoods, schools, wealth–than we ever were.  For whether you are a student at a predominantly white suburban school or at a predominantly Black public school, you will likely be schooled in the invisible culture of white, middle-class values–except maybe for a week or two in February.

Dr. Emdin himself, a former science teacher, is personally invested in bringing hip-hop into the science curriculum by hosting inter-scholastic Hip-Hop/Rap battles on science topics. Even for teachers like me who are white as rice (my term, not his; and the statistical fact is that most teachers coming out of schools like Boston College are)–especially for teachers like me–he talked about how a respectable figure from “the hood” (his term now) could serve as a cultural broker between academics and students’ lived life.

Chris said that, one day, he saw his students just weren’t getting the concept of momentum, of how a marble ball will roll forever across a frictionless surface until it hits another ball, and at which point that ball will begin to roll forever.  “Because science is gangster like that!” he said to the students excitedly.  But their faces remained expressionless.  A community member in residence that day, however, knew right away how to explain momentum with a subway metaphor:  “You know when you’re riding the blue line and it stops all of a sudden, but you keep going?  It’s like if that were to happen forever.”  His actual reply was longer and I can’t recall it all, but after hearing the subway metaphor, students’ heads began nodding.  A barrier was visibly crossed.

Whether we’re comfortable admitting it or not, one’s zip code, racialized identity, and culture are often inextricably linked to each other, creating a tension between the desire to see students as merely individuals and as members of some kind of larger social group.  I think that too often we ignore the latter lens out of fear of playing into a stereotype of saying something “racist.”  But racism is the act of oppressing a people by imposing a culture onto them, a singular deficit perspective that that people did not choose.  But who says that a good teacher can’t tap into a frame of reference that Black students largely own?

Chris notes, for example, how he has seen community members lend teachers a hand in expressing content knowledge through a shared knowledge of Hip-Hop.  Ultimately, such co-teachers serve to instill in students a personal and cultural pride in science and in the power of a curious mind at work.  “Harriet Tubman,” Chris tells us, “was a brilliant scientist.  She used her understanding of astronomy to guide her fellow slaves toward the free states.  But nobody talk about her that way.”  Can you imagine the power in teaching kids that science is part of their collective story too?  That they can express it in a way that is meaningful to them?

Unlike tossing around money and technology, however, engaging students in a truly culturally relevant way demands that we break a long-held silence between schools, teachers, and communities.  This, I believe, is not so much a matter of progressive leadership as it is of brave leadership at all levels of the system.  Classroom teachers (and graduate students) shouldn’t be afraid to address culture in the classroom.  No, not the rainbow-colored word “culture” that can be found, and that I have found, in every graduate level textbook.  I mean a “culture” with edges, something tangible that confidently parses the merely negative stereotyping of a radicalized and minoritized group from a deeper knowledge of what that group shares proudly and collectively.

Nothing, I promise, infuriates me so much as the teacher from Freedom Writers who cold calls on his Black student during a Civil Rights unit and says with a smile, “And now, Victoria, can you give us a little information on the Black perspective?”  But just as one can hurl poisonous cultural generalizations such as “Black students can’t appreciate these iPads,” that same person can also claim that Black culture doesn’t exist and hide behind a classroom of strictly unique individuals, skirting around the fact that white culture, in all its monochrome glory, permeates the curriculum in schools all around the country.  Teachers and teacher educators talk all the time about the importance of “culture.”  Let’s instead start talking about breaking cultural tensions.

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Out of Time

My father is flowing clockwise
in a holiday sweater vest and a gold chain watch
He is down in the groove, swimming through
the electric grey rooms
kept warm by the stove light, and on the table
a bowl of ham and pea soup
Immigration was his grandfather’s story
yet he too finds comfort in the small
At night, laying himself in the arms of his armchair
he can at last afford to go nowhere

My mother is flowing counter-clockwise
still as beautiful as she was
fifteen years ago, twenty years
back when the sun and the sky made a point
to match everything that she wore
I believe now that they even changed colors
for her secret moods
Had I known it then
I might have seen her apart from me.

Her jade necklace is timeless
Her laughter is timeless, his records and her red coat
that he gave her that she always wore
I grow
I am the clock–the testament to the full length of things
I tell it like it is
The dinner plates with the hearts on the rims, they are timeless
until another one breaks (not out of anger)

Not out of anger, I dropped it
Out of time
She asks me, How many are left?
A wedding present, he says, it was our very first set
How many are left?
I point:
Two

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Vultures

If my screen is a lake
then I have nothing but faith
to assure me that life unwritten swims
beneath the white, shining barrier
safe from the eyes that circle overhead

I believe there will be a deep shrieking sound
some two levels down
of a bright metallic idea tearing at it-
self and
furiously eating itself
alive to the faint hum of an underwater waltz
set on repeat long ago and long abandoned by the original listener
I have not heard it myself, nor have I seen
the Great Eel that passes over warring sparks, flickering carnage
of overwrought poetry
      twist once his shimmering scales
            one thousand truths sent wrecklessly into the dark

Five levels down, I sense
the classrooms of the insufferable sea teachers
who taught me to arrange the pieces and ends of my childhood memories
spelling impossible words in alphabet soup
I never drank
Innocence, Refund, these words that miss
our fort’s pink ribbon, the chest of jewels
the forgotten voice of our babysitter, she speaks
what words?  No, which.  Which words did she speak?
She taught me once so well
I could sing it all by myself

At the bottom of the machine
nineteen levels down, or so I believe
are the original hands
Their life’s work traced in awe of the burning ceiling light
Not these hands, surely, no trace left
these, so fast, hunched like birds of prey
pecking apart the sunlight’s dance on water
while down below the original left scribbles the seminal waltz
across the walls, the floor
in that lovely dark age before the dawning of SEX
tattooed into the laminate wood desk
countless fathoms below these, vultures, bristling
who dive at the dawning of death

They swear to you now that they once saw the original right hand–
Face the flag
pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and not to the bones below our school
where the dissolved people of the original land
ask us would we kindly not step on their sacred–
Eyes up, face front
Not yet pledged to the blank white screen, thank God
right hand where they told me my heart was
splayed silently against its surface, believing

Eternal life of the water bug

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Mentors

The ghost vine, the trick vine
the wrong hand
slips through your fingers and you
hit the wood hard
you sputter bravely, I must try again,
and cast out feelers in the sun
for any good advocate
who might have seen and nodded quietly, yes
The right hand will raise you

Dusk on the ghost vine, splinters in your hair
poised again for another leap
you are eager to capitalize on your remaining strength
and maybe hurt somebody
but only if there is honest need or desire–you leap
wrong vine, wrong hand
you hit the wood hard
reach for your address book, flip it to Michael F.

Michael F. tried hard but he could not make it (as a singer)
Had his pitch been even further off
he might have hit the lesser ghost pitch and saved himself
Look now, the right hand wraps its fingers around you
holds you up, as an example to the rest
and hurls you down
through the floor, the one beneath it, clean through the next floor
endlessly into freedom.  No more black-marked calendar days!
Simpler pleasures have now come into play.  You flip to Garry H.
where the dying light is helpless against your laughter

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The New Weather

The garden is her laughing face
two rose-lidded irises shoot off into space
as a strange breeze crosses the aging lawn
and her beehive mouth
full of sharp darting tongues
makes a mockery of the old–three raised veins
over a slender cheekbone

There was a time
when the sunlight’s work on flowers was enough
to be taken at face value
to be weighed and exchanged for love
one transaction still remains fixed in memory
I
 stole them all lovingly
I had every intention of keeping them alive

Roots of the newer houses surely touch mine
short grasses, long vases
Something morbid has crept into me
Though D
eath, perched in the clouds
shakes his head sportingly when I call for rain
No more rain, his shoulders seem to say
This is the new weather
Oh? I ask, struggling to read under the dark hood
And what might that bring?

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At Cane Bay

The brown octopus strikes out and twirls
away from me
to settle on the reef
between two blank-faced sea urchins
where it drains itself of color
and burns white, white as the coral on the reef

He stares
gently pulsating creature
at my two big dumb orange snorkeling flippers

I can’t tell exactly what has or hasn’t happened here
was he merely stretching an arm in my direction?
or does he harbor hate
in the eight arms of his discretion
such a delicate situation
So I wave

Flippers

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U.S. Steel Factory

Metal rides the chute
like a child that can not speak
drowned in the machines
of high efficiency

Clangs, screeches, and hums
her careful arms speak volumes
while we stand outside
tempering alibis

Her poem is not
more than what from earth is torn
her heart is a slab
that broke so it could form

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